Cathy White
CLICK TO ENLARGE
My name is Cathy White and I live in Tofino, BC. These poems and paintings are a response to my six-year journey with head trauma, right-sided abdominal pain, weight loss (60 lbs.), depression, anxiety, vertigo, neck pain, vestibular migraines, and all the symptoms they involve.
These paintings were therapy, a life line and a response to the trauma I experienced. I know some of them are dark, but they are a reflection of those negative experiences. The last painting is mainly dedicated to my husband Kim, who passed away a year and a half ago, as well as to the doctors who have tried to help, and to other caring practitioners I have seen. I’ll end on this hopeful note – sometimes at the worst of times hope is all we have to cling to.
Sudden Impact
Sudden impact happens.
A burst of beautiful light,
and you are hitting
clear, clear glass.
You lie trembling,
neurons misfiring,
until pain makes its home
in your body.
Sudden Impact
CLICK TO ENLARGE
Protective Posture
You gravitate towards
the protective posture.
Feet curled, back tense,
jaw clenched,
isolating yourself
from jarring encounters
and pray.
Protective Posture
CLICK TO ENLARGE
Unnecessary Removal
What karma-studded jewel
have we evoked
that parts of our bodies
are unnecessarily removed
in a vain effort to cure,
and we are discharged only to collapse
on the hospital lawn?
Unnecessary Removal
CLICK TO ENLARGE
Pain Management
In the crowded hospital room,
after a long midnight journey,
after months of constant pain
And feeling fearful.
Thoughts of suicide crowding my being.
Trying to manage my pain
with a bouquet of drugs,
and clouded by an overwhelming hopelessness.
The nurse turns and asks,
“Do you still feel like killing yourself?”
This is what is called pain management.
Pain Management
CLICK TO ENLARGE
Emergency Care
In desperation
you stumble into a hospital
seeking emergency care.
You wait, wait, wait
only to find out
they don’t really care.
And you retreat,
Licking your wounds
that have been left
open and bleeding,
without a compass,
without hope.
Emergency Care
CLICK TO ENLARGE
Ascending Soul
All I have left is to release my soul,
to set it free.
Unburdened of pain,
despair,
and a hopelessness
that goes beyond words,
or actions,
or love.
For it is not that I cared too little,
but that my love was so large
that it will encompass you forever.
Ascending Soul
CLICK TO ENLARGE
Rebalancing Vertigo
I was so unprepared
for your coming
thinking I was healing
thinking I could start being.
I heard you visited him long ago.
And, I know now why he sliced his ear
and shot himself in that field.
I understand and dream
of following.
Those strokes of swirling
ultramarine, purple, yellow ochre,
and vibrant green
Were what he felt
inside
all the time.
And anyone would beg
To make it stop.
I dream of sitting still
on a
starry night
With only the earth
spinning
Rebalancing Vertigo
CLICK TO ENLARGE
Gratitude Revisited
You know who you are.
In the wreckage of my despair
you were there.
Dressing my wounds,
swaddling me
in your arms, and
leading me out
of the darkness of the woods.
You were the light that
protected me
from harm.
Holding me in the palm
of your hand,
trying to heal my trembling
soul, and trying to
understand which creature
was pacing
in the shadows.
Gratitude Revisited
CLICK TO ENLARGE
